Remember what you were hoping for your baby before they were born? Most parents may have thought “we’ll be happy as long as the baby is healthy”. But once the baby is born, it’s easy to have more and more wishes for the child’s future, right?
How parents’ expectations impact on children’s development has been a big topic in Japan, as well as in many other countries. In Japan, the phrase “good child syndrome” has been coined to describe children (and young adults) who grow up having difficulty making decisions and expressing their emotions and opinions. These children are said to have spent their entire life constantly trying to meet their parents’ (and others’) expectations.
Our expectations can motivate children to strive for what they want to achieve in life. But when those expectations become too much for children, they can negatively affect self-esteem and mental health.
It’s very normal to have wishes and hopes for those we love. For some, the focus will be on things like wanting their child to be happy, to be a good person and kind to others, and to reach their potential. Sometimes, parents may say, “I want my child to do well at school” or “I want my child to have a good job”.
While it’s very natural to have these hopes and wishes for the future, sometimes we tend to focus more on external achievement and less on their own development. This can lead to demanding more efforts from them, and saying things like “other kids can do it” or “why can’t you do this?”. If your aspirations for them lead you to putting too much pressure on your child you can:
This is exactly the opposite of what we want for them, because none of those things will help them in the long run.
In order for children to grow up to be well-adjusted happy adults, it’s not so much the facts they learn at school but the life skills they learn from you that will make the biggest difference. Teaching a child life skills can include things like:
There may be many more life skills your children can benefit from, and these are acquired through our daily life (i.e., not by reading textbooks). Children will learn many of these skills through their interactions with their parents.
By focussing on your child learning these skills, and building a strong relationship with them, you may find that it takes some of the pressure off both of you to feel like there is a perfect standard to be reached.
As you reflect on what sort of person you want your child to be, and think about what sort of life skills you want to encourage your child to acquire, your encouragement will be more helping enhance their development as an individual, not making them feel under pressure just to please others.